


the world doesn't end with a heartache

by isolated_killer



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Awkward Kissing, Crushes, M/M, Mental Anguish, Rejection, Texting, weird dream
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-14
Updated: 2017-01-14
Packaged: 2018-09-17 12:25:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9323450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isolated_killer/pseuds/isolated_killer
Summary: Being rejected by your crush is one thing; being rejected by your bro is something else entirely





	

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [sncj_santa 2016](http://sncj-santa.livejournal.com/114313.html), inspired by SEKAI NO OWARI's [Mr.Heartache](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q9iozQDEO_U).
> 
>  
> 
> A tribute to [SKAM](http://skam.p3.no/) because I have a lot of feelings. Also, a love letter to [Puppy Honey](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O8HFbePqinQ).

In his own defense, Jongdae could say that he does not remember ever feeling so heartbroken.

Oranges and yellows of the evening street like bees drunk on honey swarm into the dark room; the boudoir red of Jongdae's floor lamp is the only source of light inside the studio. The complete somber silence is disturbed by soft tickling of alarm clock, white noise of the forever awake city and Jongdae’s even breathing as he stares at the ceiling like into the void, body seemingly frozen into the cushiony sofa.

Seriously, he is so miserably heartbroken.

Distinct sound of gel wheels against scratchy pavement as few skaters drive by his dormitory, force Jongdae out of his dull stupor; but the boy only blinks and moves his soulless eyes to drill an imaginary hole into the black screen of switched off TV.

But, no, of course, no one denies the fact that most of freshmen enter their university periods already carrying a hefty emotional luggage, and Jongdae is no stranger to heartbreaks; but not a single one of previous break ups has made him feel the way he is doing now.

If Jongdae tries to explain the exact emotion with words, it is like being sucked into open space with no exposure suit on, oxygen flask ripped off his back. As if suspended, thoughts vanishing one after another as he does not resist the invisible force that pulls him into the black hole, point of existence forever lost in its ultimate blankness.

Deep inside Jongdae knows he is being overly dramatic; but what pieces are left to pick up for a person who bets everything on one thing, a fake opportunity, and ends up losing in the very last moment; when the win seemed to be already touching the tips of his lips.

Jongdae releases a quiet groan of anguish, screwing his bleary eyes shut, as another wave of embarrassment washes over him, decorating his cheeks in ugly red blotches; internally, he wishes most painful tortures upon himself just to be spared of remembering latest couple of hours of his life.

> "Why are you staring at me like that? There is something on my face? Don't tell me I have a giant pimple growing or something, I have to run important errands tomorrow, damn, no..."
> 
> Chanyeol is positively glowing as he gives Jongdae a shy side glance over his phone, an unsure smile under rosy cheekbones; Jongdae will later blame himself for reading far too much into his friend's eyes, for completely failing to understand the awkward atmosphere between the older boy and himself, for believing in things that could never happen. He will berate himself for being a complete fool in love who has chosen to ignore the truth and see the situation through his rainbow-tinted glasses.
> 
> But in that moment, when the naive freshman gets mesmerized and misled by the seemingly confused if not wary look on the senior’s face, nothing in Jongdae’s head indicates that he needs to stop leaning in, no internal sirens blare warnings as Jongdae freezes inches away from the other’s chapped lips, waiting for a kiss to come…

Jongdae groans at the painful memory, annoyed because he cannot stop thinking about what has actually happened. Or, so as to be painfully precise, what he actually dared do. Burying sweaty fingers in his messy hair, Jongdae gives out a hiccupping sound, thinking that this must be what the true end feels like, cold hands of death squeezing his heart and all of that dramatic hyperbolizing, because he will never be able to get over this embarrassment. In a desperate attempt to smother himself, the boy flops into chequered sofa pillows, getting a mouthful of tassels, praying for the ancient lords to take his pitiful soul into their holy floaty chambers.

> Chanyeol unnaturally voted on staying in instead of going out to downtown because October was gradually growing chillier, and the streets were becoming far too windy even for his giant sweater paws; plus, he threw worried glances at Jongdae’s scrawny red ankles each time he caught a glimpse of them sticking out of jeans. Today Chanyeol offhandedly commented that he was afraid Jongdae would finally freeze his tiny feet off  if they were to take a step out of the dormitory.
> 
> Yes, it was a Friday evening and, yes, they were spending it together, caught up in the older boy’s room, Jongdae’s cold toes tucked under Chanyeol’s exceptionally warm thigh. No, nothing was screaming romance and the atmosphere absolutely did not call for Jongdae to get all Meg Ryan, it was just the younger being stupid and getting his thongs in a bunch over an overly welcoming straight friend.
> 
> In Jongdae’s defense, he did not suddenly jump the other boy, inarticulately proclaiming his passionate and massive emotion in the form of overpowering love, covering Chanyeol’s face with numerous kisses. Jongdae had always been closeted about his sexual orientation, not one to hold forth on his past and present relationships among university peers, opting not to give fodder for rumours. Though, he did guess that some of the friends he spent the most time with, especially girls, already had a clear clue on him not marching down a “straight” line.
> 
> Anyway, Jongdae had never openly told Chanyeol that he was gay, had hoped the older boy would figure it out by himself; after all, he was under no immediate obligation to open up to a senior who had been meant just to sell him his first year textbooks, always wary that Chanyeol could suddenly lose interest in a freshman like Jongdae. The younger boy would never have guessed that a sloppy notice on the students’ board could lead him to a blooming friendship.
> 
> A senior who had been fishing for quick money, turned out to be a gangly young fellow who smiled crookedly, one eye squinted in a funny way, and got handsy at all times because he was taller than most, long veiny arms waving in welcoming hugs.
> 
> Chanyeol was a dear and Jongdae was sold. There had been an instant magnetic pull between the two of them, as it seemed to Jongdae; very foolishly so, as he would believe later.

The boy feels his phone vibrate in an annoyingly repetitive manner, incoming messages assaulting his mobile; Jongdae curses under his breath, remembering the promise the two of them gave on Monday that they were definitely going to the Theatre club meeting today. The overzealous girls from the club have explained that they lack people for the mass screening of Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” on the 31st of October and they have a mighty need to acquire a pair of handsome boys into their army of Zombies. Giggling and blushing, they talked and each of them threw a not so subtle glance towards Chanyeol and his regal height; and Jongdae crumples at the memory because suddenly he is sure that he probably looks at Chanyeol the same way, at times when he forgets to guard expressions, and his whole existence is a real mistake now.

He violently tucks his phone somewhere between cushions without even looking, not caring about stupid clubs and Halloween plannings, because tonight he is obviously going to choke on the elephant size of his unrequited gay love for an obviously straight possibly fuckboyish friend of his. Not that Jongdae has ever seen Chanyeol date any girl during those two months of their knowing each other, but still. Chanyeol is a natural at flirting, so it is no doubt that he shall find himself a girlfriend now that Jongdae is no longer there to waste his time.

He is probably happy that Jongdae will not waste his time anymore. Probably, he is calling all of his friends to mock Jongdae right now. And Jongdae's friends too. Because that is what Jongdae wants Chanyeol to be: an asshole. Which Chanyeol is absolutely not, because he is the most caring and wonderful person Jongdae knows and that is why Jongdae is so in love.Groaning loudly, the boy buries his face deeper into the pillows and tries to let death or, at least, sleep take over but to no avail, as more memories start flooding his mind.

> They met at the student’s canteen where Chanyeol dumped all of his old frayed books on the table in front of Jongdae and silently opened his bear paw for money; Jongdae noted the poor state of the “goods” which prompted Chanyeol to drily comment on the pissing state of their educational system in general. Jongdae provided back that the educational system could not have been the one to dump mayonnaise sauce all over the front of geometry textbook. Chanyeol then proceeded to flip him off in a very graceful manner, adding a polite “give me my goddamn money, dude”. Jongdae was left with no choice but to produce cash from his pocket, giving it to the other man. He looked at Chanyeol while trying not to show true disdain with his face (and failing) and Chanyeol smiled at him cheekily, stuffing the wons into his back pocket. They exchanged some more day-to-day pleasantries that mostly included calling each other childish insults and titles of nasty body parts.
> 
> As Jongdae prepared to leave, newly acquired textbooks stuffed into an enormous McDonald’s plastic bag, excited Chanyeol suddenly sprang up, crying out that he was dying for some fries, and would Jongdae not mind to pay for his lunch because, as he claimed, he had been low on funds. “But… I just gave you money. Like, less than 5 minutes ago?” Jongdae backtracked, staring at the other boy in confusion. “You honestly don’t expect me to waste my game money on food, right? You’re so impractical, jeezus...”
> 
> And that was how they became friends. Or how Chanyeol forced companionship on Jongdae.
> 
> Either way, two months into the arrangement of constantly owing each other money, furious texting and occasional skipping class together, and Jongdae was no longer sure who was forcing self on who. Weirdly so, he was suddenly struck by realization that he wanted to hang around with Chanyeol (as much time as was physically possible). That thought alone was fucking scary, and Jongdae tried to ignore all other ideas he was starting to have about them spending time not only as friends but also as something… a lot less platonic than that.
> 
> This Friday Jongdae finally acted upon his feelings. The feelings that he had thought reciprocated. The feelings that had been attacking his heart for the past several weeks like a constant prickling presence wedged into his ribcage. Of course, it was not the first time when Jongdae thought fit to finally try to confess; that moment when Chanyeol unconsciously grabbed his wrist as they were hurriedly crossing the road; that whole day when the two of them biked through Seoul for hours, staying out late into the night to drink beer and eat marinated sea food at the street stall; that very first time when sleepy Chanyeol had scooped Jongdae up into a hug because the boy was conveniently pillow-sized as Chanyeol claimed later.

Jongdae turns in his attempt to find a cozy spot to die between the cushions, rigid as he misses the comfort of his friend’s body near his; they sometimes took to sleeping together if they both had to pull all-nighters, each studying for their respective tests, and Chanyeol always insisting to act as the bigger spoon. Those times are surely gone now, Jongdae thinks bitterly, biting into his lip, hoping that he will not actually cry because of hurt.

> Jongdae had really made his move today.
> 
> They were sitting on Chanyeol’s bed. Jongdae’s feet were tucked under Chanyeol’s thigh. Jongdae was casually surfing through social media on his phone. He caught a glimpse of Chanyeol playing Angry Birds, catapulting chickens into piglets with a face of a general during a heated battle. Then it suddenly hit him just how lovely Chanyeol looked like that, all domestic and casual, spots on his chin and chip crumbs all over his shirt. Honestly, they were huddled together so tightly, so warm and cozy around each other. Like a real couple.
> 
> Jongdae found himself smiling to that idea. Chanyeol noticed.
> 
> "Why are you staring at me like that? There is something on my face? Don't tell me I have a giant pimple growing or something, I have to run important errands tomorrow, damn, no..."
> 
> It was an impulse, an absolute whim of the moment, his head strangely clear of doubts; Jongdae leaned in slowly, lips barely open, eyes closed. He breathed in Chanyeol, face inches away from the other boy's, waiting.
> 
> "I... Jongdae, I..."
> 
> The shatter of Jongdae's heart could definitely be heard throughout the whole universe.

Restless and emotionally drained, Jongdae manages to doze off. The dream comes over the boy somewhere between thoughts about Chanyeol's messed up rejection and cons of transferring to a different university; floating above his conscious, for the umpteenth time that evening, he watches himself run out of the room without even looking at Chanyeol's face, too afraid to see the disapproval, or even worse, disgust.

He must have fallen asleep quite deeply, as suddenly he is woken up by someone shaking him hard. Startled, Jongdae fights with the hands tugging at his sweatshirt, groaning in annoyance, when the intruder drops him in favour of hitting him over the face with a pillow. Indignant, Jongdae jumps off the sofa, ready to fight whoever the robber person is, but halts as he stares in shock at Chanyeol... wearing what looks like a big round yellow chicken suit over his casual clothes. Brandishing one of his cushions like a shield, the Chicken-dressed boy smiles an almost maniac smile and wiggles his eyebrows at astonished Jongdae.

"What are you... what are you doing here? Why are you dressed like that?"

Jongdae is too concerned for Chanyeol's mental state to feel embarrassed about what has happened just a couple of hours ago; momentarily, the boy is overtaken by complete dread that his gay cooties turned Chanyeol into a psycho... Jongdae slaps a hand over his own face to stop the idiocy, namely, himself.

"Chanyeol, are you okay?"

He ceases to breathe when the taller boy, still smiling like a basket case, jumps at him, the round Chicken suit hitting Jongdae straight in the chest, bouncing the boy off his feet back onto the sofa. Terrified, he stills and watches Chanyeol slowly loom over him, chicken suit between the two of them, cushiony baby yellow material pressing into Jongdae's shoulders. Chanyeol looks positively Joker-ish as he inspects the other's face, and Jongdae nervously throws a look at the boy's hands for possible knife or fork possession.

"Listen, if this... this is about me kissing you, I'm sorry... I didn't think you'd react this way, please, you're scaring me?"

Jongdae whispers and his words make Chanyeol draw even closer, mashing the Chicken's face into the boy's ribcage, their noses almost touching; the crazy smile drops off the older's face though, which makes Jongdae's heart race at galloping speed.

"Technically... we didn't even kiss... I mean... You didn't lean in and I... I decided not..."

Jongdae finishes off, barely audible, breath caught in his throat, as Chanyeol in that stupid chicken suit of his, looks into the depth of his eyes, as if trying to type a message into his very brain. Jongdae gulps warily as he watches Chanyeol bring a hand to his ear, fingers forming an old school handset phone; Jongdae pretends to listen, straining in his attempt to remember anything on how to act around dangerous mentally ill people, when suddenly the sofa under him starts violently vibrating.

Scared out of his socks, Jongdae grabs Chanyeol's chicken suit, holding on for dear life, as the sofa continues to vibrate; seconds later, Chanyeol smiles again and finally opens his mouth just to stun Jongdae not with the boy's usual (sinfully sensual) low voice but distinct and real sounds of knocking, a woodpeker far too tall and obnoxious. Reassured that he has ruined Jongdae's mental state for this lifetime, the Angry Chicken boy snaps his fingers right into Jongdae's ear as if to finally make him hear.

Jongdae groggily wakes up to a phone vibrating right under his butt and loud knocks on his room's door.

"What the freaking hell... just happened?"

Disheveled and sweaty Jongdae sits up, slowly taking in the house. He frowns as he does not spot any sign of the Angry Chicken, not even a breath of the boy inside the dark apartment. What a fucking fucked up dream, he thinks, but is pulled out of his cloudy trance as the phone briefly vibrates again, indicating yet another incoming message. The persistent knocks stops for a moment, and Jongdae is so out of his element that he decides to ignore the late night guest in favor of scrolling through the numerous chat notifications.

His heart, still in disarray after his dreaming escapades, starts up a beat Jongdae is seriously considering as the beginning of a tiny cardiac arrest; Chanyeol has called 34 times and left a total of 12 messages. Something inside his stomach starts churning, his nerves on edge; definitely, Chanyeol did not waste his time trying to reach him just to call him a fag and tell him to piss off, that is plain weird. Then why the hell Jongdae feels like puking as he taps the notifications open.

Sender: **park choy money robber**  
19:57 _(question emoji)_  
21:01 _r u mad? dont be i owe u pizza_ :P  
21:03 _jd boy answer ur phone_  
21:05 _pls answer ><_  
21:21 _u just startled me. i didnt mean to offend_  
21:34 :(  
22:14 _ok i fucked up can we talk y/y_  
22:25 ANSWER UR GODDANM PHOEN  
22:33 _sorry (praying hands emoji)_  
22:56 _can we talk im outside ur room_  
23:10 _still here and ure not answering the door r ur phone, no one among ur bros know where u r wth_  
23:11 _brb_

Jongdae takes a deep breath to calm down, frowning at the content of the other's chat bubbles. The way Chanyeol is handling the situation seems so casual, like he does not take Jongdae's non-verbal confession seriously; but the boy's gaze catches over the latest words, and, as Jongdae rereads the phrases a few times, actually taking them in, there is a vicious realization coiling into his chest that Chanyeol seems to be worried about him. That Chanyeol cares, and judging by 34 phone calls, _a hella lot_.

Suddenly, there is some quiet shuffling right outside his door, and Jongdae's blood rushes to his head, fingers immediately getting sweaty. His phone blinks and vibrates yet again.

Sender: **park choy money robber**  
23:18 _i know u're in there._ _i asked ur neighbor minsock_

Chanyeol must have noticed that his messages were _read_ , KakaoTalk helpfully deleting all of the _1_ sacross the chat; Jongdae takes another deep breath, waiting for something (a fucking miracle, no less) to happen. Suddenly, he is reminded of the Angry Chicken Chanyeol with his fingers snapping right near Jongdae's ear as if to say _listen_ when his phone lights up with another message.

Sender: **park choy money robber**  
_23:19_ _please open the door._

Still shaking after experiencing what he will later call the wildest dream of his life, Jongdae makes an effort to pick himself up off the sofa.

It is now or never, Chanyeol has come to either slap him across the face or... slapping him across the face it is, Jongdae refuses to give himself hope. Standing by the entrance, he briefly contemplates ignoring the other because he is not stable enough to take bullshit from anyone at the moment, especially not from a guy who has friendzoned him in such a crude way. For a second, he imagines Chanyeol actually wearing the yellow chicken costume outside his door, just to cool himself off.

But when Jongdae finally opens the door, he suddenly has a mouthful of the other's unwashed hoodie in his mouth; not a punch or an awkward smile, the other's eyes wary as he tries to act like nothing happened. Chanyeol hugs him in earnest, deathgrip of a kind, as he whispers profanities at Jongdae being unresponsive for so long. But Jongdae does not care. That is quite a disgusting dirty hoodie, is all Jongdae can think about as he just silently hugs bouncy Chanyeol back, whispering a quiet "you stink" into the folds of offending clothing piece. The taller man gives out a quiet snort at the other's insult, and buries his nose into the grumpy boy's hair. Jongdae gives them (but mostly himself) two minutes for enjoying the comfort of this crushing hug. Then he decides to finally ruin it, because he does not believe in happy endings and all of that sappy stuff.

"So, is this a bro hugging his bro kind of hug and you'll slap me once we finish with the overly amicable greeting, or... What does it mean exactly, Chanyeol?”

Jongdae asks his question in a haughty way, doing his best to sound indignant and unwelcome; he ends up sounding muffled and miserable, but Chanyeol just guiltily smiles down at him, eyes sincere and apologizing as Jongdae looks up. He gulps nervously as he realizes that Jongdae is trying to go for an unimpressed-by-your-attitude look, judging by the confusingly constipated expression on his face; Chanyeol will definitely never tease him about it, about basically emitting hope as he squeezes Chanyeol's ribs in an almost punishing way.

"Could we try and rewind like a couple hours back, redo the whole thing from the start?"

The sparkle in Jongdae's eyes flashes and goes out in a mere second, cheeks flushing in anger as his arms drop away from around Chanyeol's waist. The boy purses his lips, features hardening at the panicked look on Chanyeol face.

"Then you go and rewind it back like a couple months, before you met my stupid gay face. Good luck with that, asshole."

Jongdae tries to step away from the taller man, now seriously disappointed in himself for having believed in Chanyeol, having given him that second chance. Jongdae throws a glance across the room to avoid looking at the other, focusing on his boudoir red lamp as if the piece of furniture can answer all of his questions at once, waiting until the senior leaves so he can wallow in his grief in solitude.

Only Chanyeol's awkward wording was never meant to hurt Jongdae, and the desperate boy takes no time making sure Jongdae knows.

"That's not... no!"

Always clumsy with their height difference, determined Chanyeol grabs the stumbling back Jongdae by flushing cheeks and pulls the other into himself; by accident, he painfully grazes the other's prominent cheekbone, and this move predictably stills Jongdae who frowns at the pain, caught off guard by how fierce Chanyeol suddenly is. Very much panicking now Chanyeol tugs Jongdae up so he tiptoes, and quickly leans down to kiss him right on the thin mouth; he has been eyeing the brackety lips for the past several weeks and he thinks _wow_ as Jongdae eagerly responds, despite the way their noses smush together and Chanyeol's thumb almost pokes him in his eye. Eager for the other boy, he willingly takes whatever Chanyeol has to offer, catching him by his lower lip, hands on his waist, squeezing again.

Chanyeol ruins their first kiss with a sudden smug smile because, as it turns out, Jongdae fails to stifle a groan through the mess of their mouths.

"I'm basically chewing on your face right now, and you still find it arousing, this is interesting," He says quietly, his voice cracking at the misuse and overall rush of emotion.

"Not my fault you can't kiss, I just take what I can get for now," breathless, his eyes squeezed shut from pure bliss, Jongdae whispers back, and he has to quickly lean up again to silence Chanyeol's scandalized protests with another less destructive kiss, managing to find a better angle for the two of them on the second try.

Somewhere outside the dormitory, skaters drive by. Chanyeol is pressed into the closed room's door, knees bent obediently so his face is level with Jongdae's as the younger boy works those catlike lips over the older boy's mouth, a guiding hand tangled into his short hair. Chanyeol exhales a small choking sound and impatiently licks into Jongdae's mouth, trying to bring him even closer with large hands on his hips. Jongdae's stomach cues butterflies as his hands lower on Chanyeol's butt to push the man of his life closer, accidently pressing the sensitive touch screen on the other's unlocked mobile phone.

Buried among multicoloured tassels, Jongdae's forgotten phone vibrates, unnoticed by the owner.

Sender: **park choy money robber**  
23:32 _i think i like u_

**Author's Note:**

> Read it on my [LJ](http://chenis.livejournal.com/4519.html).
> 
> thank you for reading


End file.
